I got on the scale. 

I have not stepped on that darn metal box in over 2 weeks.

I knew it wasn’t going to be good.  My clothes are really tight and uncomfortable.  But…. I was not prepared for the number I saw.

How the hell did THAT number happen? 

I sat down and before I knew it, my cheeks were wet. Yes, the tears had come.  I was shocked, angry with myself and frustrated!

The thing is, I knew this was happening.  I just didn’t want to admit it. 

It is very easy to lie to myself.  All the things that work for me, that keep me healthy—eating fruits and veggies, tracking my food, cooking healthy meals, walking—I was doing those things. 

You see, we can tell ourselves we are doing all the right things.  We can track our food and it looks like we are doing really well- points and/or calories are where we need them to be.  Step counts on our tracking devices show we are getting those steps in.

But what all of that doesn’t tell us is how honest we are not being. 

Tracking food only works when I track EVERY bite, EVERY sip.  If I eat the chips, cookies, candy, donuts, cake, and a myriad of other snacks, and I don’t track them… well…. They still count.  NOT tracking food does NOT mean the food doesn’t count.  My daily points may show I am doing well, but the untracked foods, well they tell a different story. 

Eating those healthy meals are GREAT but when I eat them AFTER I am over-stuffed with salty and sweet snacks, those healthy foods really don’t do much to help me, instead they now become a part of a greater problem.  They become an illusion of healthiness, behind which the truth is hidden. 

Wearing my fitbit is awesome.  It keeps me aware of those steps.  Most days I hit my step goal.  And hitting that goal or going over is just another illusion.  How many of those steps were gained through walking and how many of those steps were gained by folding clothes or moving my arm back and forth during my normal day?  How many of those steps were actually from intentional exercise that got my heart rate moving?  Not many, I can tell you that.

It is very easy to hide behind the illusion of healthy eating and exercise.  And then look for “reasons” for the weight not coming off- there must be something wrong with my thyroid or other health issues going on or maybe it is a medication that is making me gain weight rather than lose, afterall, my trackers show I am doing well…..

BUT the scale doesn’t lie.  Clothes don’t lie.  Looking in the mirror tells the truth.  And blood work doesn’t lie.

This morning I finally faced the truth.  As tears flowed down my cheeks, I realized that I am the reason my weight is where it is.  No one forced me to eat those three donuts in one sitting, or the entire bag of chips.  No one forces me to eat peanut butter toast with butter, not one piece but three.  No one forces me to buy the chips, candy and cookies and no one forces me to eat them.

I am responsible for where I am.  It is time I accept that!  Time I do what I keep saying I am doing.  It is time to be honest, completely honest.  And time to make my trackers tell the WHOLE story. 

If I want to live to be 100, if I want to be healthy, if I want the pain in my joints to lessen, if I want to be a participant in my granddaughter’s life rather than a spectator, then I NEED to step up to the challenge.  I need to make me a priority.  I need to be honest.  I need to do the work necessary to get back to being the healthiest and best version of me I can be.

Stepping on the scale was the first step.

A healthy, fully tracked breakfast was the second step.

A 2 mile walk was the third step.

And writing this post was the fourth step. 

Today I am being honest with myself.  Finally!  I am making changes.  One day at a time!  One meal at a time!  One step at a time! 

I can and I will do this!  It just took getting back on that scale to get me going.